On the Impending Loss of my Female Parts
I have recently been advised I need to get a hysterectomy. Because I have had two episodes of post menopausal bleeding, and ultrasound reveals a thickening of the endometrium, and a polyp. Ordinarily this would require a hysteroscopy, biopsy and a d&c, but these were impossible because I have severe adhesions on my cervix, preventing the doctor/surgeon from getting in to perform the procedures. So, because they cannot biopsy they cannot determine if I have uterine cancer. The chances are very low and they don’t think I have it, no family history, less than 6% chance. But, since I no longer “need” the organs, the surest way to prevent cancer is to remove them all. There are ways of doing the surgery that are less invasive than previous times. But it is still surgery. And, I don’t trust doctors, plain and simple. I wish I could. But in my experience they have made mistakes that for one thing have led to me having this adhesion problem. So, for me this is a big deal and it’s frightening and I really can’t stop thinking about it. In two weeks, I will go for an opinion by a gynecological oncologist. A writer friend recently advised me to write about how I feel about my uterus. I’m not one to get all crunchy granola about my body, so it’s kind of an uncomfortable thing for me to write about it. I tend to be sarcastic and crack jokes when things get too close to pulling my mask off, so to speak. So I started out by putting down the facts of the situation. (See above) It is easier for me to start that way. I have tried to think about how I feel about my uterus. Frankly I don’t give it a lot of thought. Does anyone? Aside from housing and growing my babies, I don’t have a lot of use for it. It has given me nothing but trouble most of my adult life, really. From cervical cancer (pre cancer) in my late twenties, a miscarriage that it didn’t expel like it should have, to peri menopause, and bleeding 3 out of 4 weeks of the month for several years, it really has not been my friend. I once had a breast lump that had to be checked out, and the doctor at the time told me it was benign, and a result of my “hormones having a war with my ovaries and my breasts getting caught up in the middle of it all”. She really did say that. I actually mourn my pre-puberty days when I had the stick figure of a boy, and could run like the wind, unencumbered, and without drawing any undue extra attention to myself while doing so. I could just be out in the world, as I was. Free to be myself. After adolescence I lost any sense of self I had. There were too many changes, in my body, in my life, and in the world. I didn’t know how to be, or who to be. Now I find myself at the same kind of junction in life; all kinds of changes in my body, my life, and the world. I think I know who I am, and who I want to be, but I am encumbered by so many things getting in my way. And I am now being asked to make a major decision and remove body parts, to stop everything for weeks while I recover. I just about got to full recovery from my back fracture in 2014. Healing is not an easy thing to accomplish these days. So, how do I feel about my uterus? Nothing but trouble, frankly. I am grateful to have had it so I could have my beautiful children. In that way, it did change my life for the better, so it was useful for 18 months out of 40 years of being active. Thank you Uterus, and I am sorry we couldn’t have been better friends. You made me grow up and I probably have never forgiven you for that! And no, I can’t end this exercise without some sarcasm: How like you it is to be a pain in my butt right up to the bitter end. So thanks, thanks a lot (end sarcasm)
The Writing Life of Kimberly Nash 